i have been following you for sometime. i have been wanting to write to you about my chart. i have found out what i know about my chart by people who specialize in pluto. astrologers gasp when they see my chart. the only advice i have ever gotten about my situation is “discipline” and by the time you are 40 “you will be able to turn flesh into stone”. i was also told i have a one in a million chart. i have held firm and have road out this night mare and that is the only word for it. i am about to turn 40 and while i think i have managed through the worst i think the world is taking a turn for the worst and to be honest i have no hope for the reward part. i was born with pluto on my ascendant, exact. it has squared, opposed all the important and serious planets in my chart. i survived 6 major head injuries, left home at 15 and took care of myself without any help. there was never any help offered, ever and when it has, it has had abusive attachments to it. then pluto transit in 95, well let’s just say when things could not get worse they did. the last 14 years, i had a brain tumor i fought for 8 years alternatively, my whole family died and not one of them was prepared or had money, a boyfriend tried to murder me and over the last 2 years i have lost everything and have ended up pretty much homeless. i have worked so hard my whole life, i have never given up ever and i just do not see what all of this has been for? i have in the last month put out 35 resumes. i cannot get work and i am not willing to compromise myself for work. this next week i have to turn my phone off and close the last few accounts i have, then hopefully somewhere down the road pay the bills. i am attaching a resume of me so that you can get the big picture of how much schooling i have had, how hard i have worked. the resume shows only half of the education and skills, also i have projects i have been working on for 10 years in some cases. know one will listen to me and lately i feel like i am not even here or here in a way that people see and hear you. like i am on the out skirts? hard to explain. another issue that has scared the tar out of me is transporting in my car to other states. i am in one state, i get dizzy and the next thing i know i am somewhere else. i have been on the road for the last 2 years. i felt i would try and just follow the voice and it has taken me all over the place, living in my car, door opens i go there, door closed i am show where to go next. do you think that the universe is trying to give people opportunity to do the right thing? i come in and show them the way and they cannot get out of their own resistance to see that i am the messenger that they have asked for and they abuse me and let me limp off. i just do not get it? i think i am to far ahead of the times and the planet is going backwards. the pluto on my ascendant brings peoples darkness right to the surface and no matter how nice i am they just feel that pluto, darkness polarity. it has served me well in alternative medicine work, but not in friendships, relationships. i have been single now for 10 years. it has been hard to go it completely alone, but i have done it. anyway i know you have to make money and i have none to offer. i can offer something in the future if you need alternative medicine. i work on some many levels and most people that i have worked with have survived their illnesses and in some cases have had a instant turn around. with the pluto opposing my chiron i can bring up the darkness, connect into the places where sickness lives and bring it up and heal it. i know i am the master, i came here that way, i have done nothing but become it and i know that pluto in my natal and transiting since 95 can be extremely painful. i know i am here to change the world, i have known my whole life, but i also have this sense over the last couple of years that my work might not be needed now as we did not make the shift offered in 95 and this is why everything is going the way it is for me. i am trying to figure out if it is time for me to leave this experience? if i can get my work out and make a difference? i have given my entire life to spirit and have been what feels like force to at every turn. like a dog on a chain, tied to his house, abandon and every time he gets a new idea he runs for it and is jerked back and beaten for it. all he wants to do is love unconditionally and always does not matter what. the whole dog thing came up a couple of days ago and it is totally how i feel my whole life has been. i will send my birth data in the next email with my resume. my chart might interest you, it has many natal aspects and the aspects over the last 12 years or so. many astrologers have reported that they are shocked i am still physically alive after seeing my chart. i do not think they have really looked at most of it, scares them and is out of their knowledge base area. if you have classes or students and you want to put my chart up for debate, you may, i would love to hear about it. cheers to pluto, bd
I have several projects on the back burner:
1) National wellness centers, I have a business model and plan I have been working on and perfecting 10 years.
2) Children’s books, I am working on books, a series of them. Based in my own experiences such as resurrecting bugs from the dead about age 5, being taught by trees and mastering conscious symbology. They are stories of a little girl having journeys between both worlds at the same time.
3) wilderness/medical/survival gear, I have numerous ideas/designs for new products for the market in wilderness medicine, military, based on the lack of products like these and the necessity I have for them. I feel in love with wilderness medicine and survival.
New business projects that have been developing over the last two years.
1) National food coops with one head office and only local organic produce is sold. This would help America with the food crisis.
2) Business consulting/pr/marketing and assistance in self publishing company that only caters to the alternative markets. We have many amazing things coming out of the alternative collective and they are not the type of people who know what to do next and thus their thoughts, ideas and products never make into the public arena.
these are the other projects. i am just trying to give you a sense of who i am when it comes to my birth data and events that have happened since born. i was born december 18, 1968 in fresno, california 11:45 pm and yes, i almost died and was told i would have severe brain damage because of the force applied to get me out after 18 hours. typical pluto stuff! i also had a stigmata 3 times during age 4 to 5. after is when i stared healing animals and resurrecting bugs from the dead, no shit! i have never met another person like myself and would love too
Thank you for following my work. I’m sorry I have very little free time to devote to answering questions of this nature, but I will post it on my website to see if some of my students or readers would like to help you out.
In the meantime, here are some off the top thoughts for you…
You seek freedom, liberation, truth, relatedness, one-ness, unity and a sense of belonging, but the issue you face is learning how to refine your soul’s anxiety re all of the above. Your soul’s (hyper) anxiety (and impatience) keeps you enmeshed in your trauma consciousness and translates into extremity as a way of life. Like attracts like, it’s what you know best (extremes of experience and relating to yourself) and when you don’t own it, you’ll project it and find that it’s fed back to you through others and the circumstances you meet up with.
You are meant to re-meet with your past – the intention, of course is to burn it off. Your balsamic sun/moon blend indicates that you are at a culminating point (finishing point regarding some of your more key karmic relationships/lessons.) Your first house planets show that in order to finish off, you need to experience these old patterns and circumstances, but to add new elements/new experiences that will inform the soul and bring you new understandings – understandings that will allow you to let yourself off the hook. These new experiences and understandings will eventually serve inform your inner self that you can indeed relinquish this trauma conscious and these traumatic experiences and relationships. You are also meant to demonstrate to the karmic links (people from the past) that you are a new person, that you have new understandings and insights, and that you are not “more of the same” (or “more of the same you”) so to speak – your warrior self, your resilient self, your enduring self. Experience will eventually help you to develop more objectivity re what is a true or essential need, and who is worthy of your attention, heart and gifts, this in contrast to allowing yourself to be over-exposed to traumatic experiences/relationships all over again. In learning how to refine your soul’s anxiety, you need to learn the art of listening in a more dynamic way – this is why you have been given the clairvoyant abilities and healing talents you obviously have.
There isn’t a heck of a lot of preplanning you can do to undertake your life’s journey. “I am called” is definitely your path. You are a Chironic shaman – the wounded healer is often an environmental antagonist – yes, you can easily/readily reflect shadow (to those who choose or need to learn through this vehicle) and the experience can be harsh for one who wants to find and radiate only light. Sagittarius is an alienation archetype, but as you move through your life, you can/will learn to become better integrated. I understand your need not to compromise, but in order to support yourself through a vocation, you must find a way to join side by side and to create acceptance (and community if you truly want it) for yourself without strife. Perhaps a key lies in helping your soul to understand that you do not need to fight for your freedom, that you already have it. Another lies in the fact that you do not have convince anyone of anything – least of all that you need to prove that you are deserving of honourable attention, freedom, respect, equality, love, etc. When you are in a place of absolute knowing for yourself, then you will begin on the path to healing. You may spend more time alone than you may want to, but your chart is set to keep you in motion, and you will be pulled into relationships and circumstances when the time is right (this is familiar to you.) Your life/your growth is not meant to stop. Potential is always in front of you. The upcoming Pluto in Capricorn transit through your fourth house is meant to force you to reformulate your self image and ego awareness, to put sufficient boundaries in place, to be more self regulating – especially to tame and refine your instinctual nature which swings from extremes. If you are wondering why your instincts sometimes gets you into hot water, it’s because of the inconsistencies of your emerging self is still very much informed by your past self/past experiences and this creates the inconsistencies – your instincts are sometimes prompted from the distortions of your past egos/past life fears and anxieties, and sometimes from your more ancient self – the more self mastered one. As you come to more inner accord and mature inwardly, you will see that your life will deliver less trauma and more light.